Posts Tagged ‘angry’

Running = Magic

January 14, 2010

Tonight my DH and I fought.  We don’t do it very often, and I’m not very good at it.  My reaction to anything that makes me have feelings other than happy-go-lucky-sunshine-radiating-out-of-my-ass just results in tears.  Angry?  I cry.  Sad?  I cry.  Frustrated?  I cry.  So, shockingly, this fight lead to tears on my part, mostly of the angry/hurt/frustrated kind. 

So when I get this way I pretty much want to be left the fuck alone.  I also tend to clean.  We often joke we should schedule fights so our house isn’t such a friggin’ sty all the time.  So after I did all the cleaning I could stand, I was still pissed, so I decided to go for a run.  Now this is tricky, because normally on chilly dark evenings, I’d run on my treadmill…  however, it is in the basement, which also happened to the be the location of my DH.  😀  So, I said to hell with it, and bundled up and went outside. 

As I ran thru the chilly dark night, stewing over our fight, I was all teary and worked up.  So I put on my HR hat and decided to talk my way thru this.  I made myself identify what I was feeling, putting it in to words.  (I tried not to talk to myself, lest I ran across a neighbor!)  This helped, but mostly I went for a run because of the magical thing that happens.  Sad, pissed off, hurt, frustrated…  it doesn’t matter.  After I get out there and get my ass going, I start to be less whatever I was before.  It is apparently hard to get worked up when your brain has filled with those feel good endorphins. 

I did make myself go at a nice even pace, because generally when I go for a mad-run, I go out super fast and then end up dying shortly there after.  So I did what was probably 4-ish miles and a nice even pace.  I felt good when I started (physically) and even better when I ended (physically AND mentally). 

When I got home, my DH (who coincidentally did his walk/run thing on the treadmill after we got home, while I pissed-offedly cleaned the kitchen) came up to talk to me.  We are both sorry, and we were able to reach an agreement about our stupid issue, without either of us being mad.  🙂 

I realized on my run that part of the reason I reacted so poorly to the initial conversation with my DH was because it was one more thing added to the stuff I’m feeling shitty about right now.  You know how when you are worried about a lot of stuff, it’s a tiny stupid thing that usually pushes you over the line?  Well, while this wasn’t a super tiny stupid thing (it was a valid deal, and we both have room to improve in this) it definitely pushed me over the line.  I’m feeling shitty about being fat, and getting fatter.  I am feeling shitty about making poor food choices, and about not running fast.  I am feeling a bit isolated from my friends right now, and I’m not sure why.  I also miss my family, a lot.  I have not been sleeping well at all for the last few weeks, and I have had a stuffy head for like 2 months.  Most of these, on their own, would be no biggie.  But I guess lately things have just kind of added up.  A lot of it is my own doing, whether consciously or subconsciously (weight, food, exercise, the friend thing) and I felt like today’s meltdown was a wake up call.  I hope.  So we’ll see. 

So now that the drama is over, I am planning to return to the happy-go-lucky-sunshine-radiating-out-of-my-ass Courtney, because, quite frankly, I like her a lot more.